DEFINING THE LINES: A SWINGER’S DICTIONARY

Woah, there’s much more to this stuff than I’d anticipated! (Still all a little couple-centric, in my opinion!)

DEFINING THE LINES: A SWINGER’S DICTIONARY.

Also, am not that interested in swinging, really. What does that make me, a near-unicorn?

Me, me, me… and poly…

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as I posted here https://mascarastreaks.wordpress.com/tag/monogamy-2/ I’d like to take a new approach to any relationships I have in the future.

I have a few concerns, it’s a bit of a Brave New World for me (which is equally thrilling & nerve-wracking.

I’ve spoken to a couple of people I know who are in poly relationships. However, all of the people that I know that are in poly/open relationships are all couples who have agreed between them to have other relationships, whatever the agreement is.

Also, a lot of the stuff that I’ve found on the net (not that I’ve spent that much time doing it) and the people I’ve spoke to talk about it from a very couple-centric perspective. I don’t want that, I want it from a me, me, me perspective.

Whereas I am a single woman, and I know what I’d like, which is for ME to be at the apex/centre, retaining control/autonomy of my life and space, rather than being part of a poly/open-relationship couple with other lovers.

It’s all pretty hypothetical at the moment, but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it. Would it make me more or less vulnerable than if I was (i) being monogamous, or (ii) part of a poly couple. What do I need to watch out for?

I’d welcome any thoughts/advice/opinions from anyone with experience or who knows more about this. I know what I want, it’s in my head, but how does it all work in the real world?

 

Careful what you wish for.

Today’s cliche is “Careful what you wish for”.

I feel mixed about this one. A couple of friends have said this to me since I told them of my ideas about poly relationships.

Is it about stopping people having dreams and plans outside of the norm? Is it fear of doing ‘other’? Or, just good advice?

Not sure. There’s something a little defensive about it, I think.

The more I think about it, the less convincing monogamy is

Having been a serial monogamist for most of my adult life, am not sure it’s either a realistic or logical way to carry on for me.

It doesn’t make sense anymore. I know we’re conditioned to think of it as the natural & right way, but it feels unnatural and wrong to think that it’s honestly what I want, or realistic. Am not thinking about cheating here, but about honesty in the way that I feel about relationships.

I never once cheated or even came close to it when I was married – rather than starting to desire other people when the marriage was dying a slow and painful death, my desire(s) seemed to die along with it. He was very shocked when I spoke to him about how I felt – that I was totally cool if he wanted to sleep with other people or to see other people (& I was totally cool with it). I told him I had no desire to, but that seeing as things between us felt dead, I totally understood.

He didn’t understand. At all.

Now that I am free of all that, even though I’m single, and not really attached to anyone (well, in a single state of sort-of limbo with a distant person in a complicated situation, but don’t think that counts). I don’t see why being in an honest relationship with someone where we consent to relationships with other people, whether they be sexual, emotional or whatever is a bad thing. Honesty and consent being the keywords, with respect thrown in for good measure.

Monogamy works for some people, but the idea of a permanent commitment to someone being enough to fulfill all of the needs that we develop in life doesn’t seem so realistic.

This has been brewing in my mind for a few years now. A little like when I realised that I wasn’t really straight and not really what society thinks of as a woman. It takes my Self and my life awhile to catch up on my mind now, though. I think this is the direction I will be heading, when I stop being single.