Things that have been making me hot under the collar of late

Since I awoke from my sexual slumber I’ve been finding myself surprised at the things and places that have woken up the erotic part of me. Here are some of them.

Smoking

Solitary teardrops

Single drops of blood

Being bitten

My shoes

Canadian accents

Androgyny

This song/video/group:

Church roofs

Forearms

Necks

This song from my youth:

This by Asaf Avidan:

The idea of testing my tolerence to pain

Purply blue velvet

My fur coat (I know, I know, but it’s reclaimed fur, and I bought it from a charity) *guilty conscience*

Tasting blood

Caves

Orange and purple in juxtaposition

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Sexuality is so fluid. As fluid as we want it to be.

I know it sounds a little pretentious and wanky, but I consider myself a pomosexual (a kind of non-orientation).

Even though all of my long term relationships have been with men, and on the whole I am more sexually attracted to men than women, that only feels like a small part of the story. I had a very, very conservative religious upbringing and live in an evidently heteronormal society. Have I ever really been able to make up my own mind when so many of our identities are constructed? I don’t feel that I’m able to say that I’m straight.

For me, sexual attraction is all about the dynamic I feel between me and others, on an individual level. It’s about each individual’s personal qualities and how they interact with mine. How can I ever then say that I’m straight, or bi when tomorrow I could find myself with a man, woman, or whatever someone might want to identify as? Quite a few of my previous partners have not been particularly ‘masculine’ and there are many aspects to my personality and my behaviour which could be considered masculine (in terms of how men & women are expected to behave). I find androgyny very appealing, I find some abstract qualities/ideas/objects quite erotic. Who can predict these things?

Until last night this has mostly been a theoretical standpoint, in my mind. I think I always thought that even though it was a principle of mine, it was not going to be a reality because of learned behaviours and the like. When I’ve talked about it with my friends, they understand, but think it’s just me being stubborn & principled for the sake of it. They think I’m just queer, but I think that’s because that’s the easiest way for them to compartmentalise it, which is what I’m trying to show – that these compartments are all made up, anyway.

Last night, though. a new friend who I only met very recently spent the night with me and we had a very beautiful night. They are trans/queer, but actually when I spoke to them about it, we shared the same thoughts on the matter, we were just two people, attracted to each other, who thought each other beautiful, our genitals and genders seemed kind of incidental to those facts, just two human beings connecting. Which is what it is supposed to be about. The rest is all just made up.

I’m happy today, although am very tired. Tired, but reassured that it was right of me to listen to the little voice in my head, even if it felt like nobody else understood. In case you might think that this sounds like somebody who doesn’t know what she wants/likes, it’s quite the opposite, it’s about knowing what I do want & like.  We can think and feel for ourselves and I think we should.