Sex, Morality and Control.

Sometimes, I wonder whether we are living in enlightened times, or whether that’s one of the big self-delusions our species has created for ourselves. (Inclined to the latter, personally).

There seems to be so much moralising against women, especially & the old double standards are alive and well when it comes to sex.

Our sexualities are nobody’s business but our own. We aren’t here for the gratification & judgement of others, we’re here to live our lives – to seek pleasure & avoid pain – just the same as everyone else.

It seems to be that this judgementality that seems reserved more often for women than men (although also for trans people of any gender) is designed to control what is seen as troublesome behaviour. Anything that doesn’t conform with the rigid heteronormative, monogamous ideas that are wrapped up in supposed ‘decency’, ‘morality’ and the ‘proper’ ways to behave – all of these are arbitrary & imposed.

This, I feels, strips us of our humanity – the ability to think, choose and do what we like. For, as long as our behaviour doesn’t make anyone else suffer, why should it be wrong for us if it feels right for us?

Why should we be judged on who we choose to sleep with, or how many we sleep with, or have slept with, or what we do with our consenting humans? Isn’t this the essence of our humanity? Is it not inhumane to subject others to your ideas of what is ‘right’, when we all know that those ideas were just put there in your heads, probably just to appease others’ insecurities and make them feel good about themselves in a completely oppressive-to-others kind of way?

What makes us human is our ability to think for ourselves & to make our own decisions. I don’t have anything nice to say about those small-minded enough to impose their wills on others. Conforming just for the sake of it & ridiculing/discouraging others who choose not to, is a kind of dictatorship – trying to control others because of your own mental limitations & fears/insecurities. It’s also really boring.

Sexuality is so fluid. As fluid as we want it to be.

I know it sounds a little pretentious and wanky, but I consider myself a pomosexual (a kind of non-orientation).

Even though all of my long term relationships have been with men, and on the whole I am more sexually attracted to men than women, that only feels like a small part of the story. I had a very, very conservative religious upbringing and live in an evidently heteronormal society. Have I ever really been able to make up my own mind when so many of our identities are constructed? I don’t feel that I’m able to say that I’m straight.

For me, sexual attraction is all about the dynamic I feel between me and others, on an individual level. It’s about each individual’s personal qualities and how they interact with mine. How can I ever then say that I’m straight, or bi when tomorrow I could find myself with a man, woman, or whatever someone might want to identify as? Quite a few of my previous partners have not been particularly ‘masculine’ and there are many aspects to my personality and my behaviour which could be considered masculine (in terms of how men & women are expected to behave). I find androgyny very appealing, I find some abstract qualities/ideas/objects quite erotic. Who can predict these things?

Until last night this has mostly been a theoretical standpoint, in my mind. I think I always thought that even though it was a principle of mine, it was not going to be a reality because of learned behaviours and the like. When I’ve talked about it with my friends, they understand, but think it’s just me being stubborn & principled for the sake of it. They think I’m just queer, but I think that’s because that’s the easiest way for them to compartmentalise it, which is what I’m trying to show – that these compartments are all made up, anyway.

Last night, though. a new friend who I only met very recently spent the night with me and we had a very beautiful night. They are trans/queer, but actually when I spoke to them about it, we shared the same thoughts on the matter, we were just two people, attracted to each other, who thought each other beautiful, our genitals and genders seemed kind of incidental to those facts, just two human beings connecting. Which is what it is supposed to be about. The rest is all just made up.

I’m happy today, although am very tired. Tired, but reassured that it was right of me to listen to the little voice in my head, even if it felt like nobody else understood. In case you might think that this sounds like somebody who doesn’t know what she wants/likes, it’s quite the opposite, it’s about knowing what I do want & like.  We can think and feel for ourselves and I think we should.