Sex, Morality and Control.

Sometimes, I wonder whether we are living in enlightened times, or whether that’s one of the big self-delusions our species has created for ourselves. (Inclined to the latter, personally).

There seems to be so much moralising against women, especially & the old double standards are alive and well when it comes to sex.

Our sexualities are nobody’s business but our own. We aren’t here for the gratification & judgement of others, we’re here to live our lives – to seek pleasure & avoid pain – just the same as everyone else.

It seems to be that this judgementality that seems reserved more often for women than men (although also for trans people of any gender) is designed to control what is seen as troublesome behaviour. Anything that doesn’t conform with the rigid heteronormative, monogamous ideas that are wrapped up in supposed ‘decency’, ‘morality’ and the ‘proper’ ways to behave – all of these are arbitrary & imposed.

This, I feels, strips us of our humanity – the ability to think, choose and do what we like. For, as long as our behaviour doesn’t make anyone else suffer, why should it be wrong for us if it feels right for us?

Why should we be judged on who we choose to sleep with, or how many we sleep with, or have slept with, or what we do with our consenting humans? Isn’t this the essence of our humanity? Is it not inhumane to subject others to your ideas of what is ‘right’, when we all know that those ideas were just put there in your heads, probably just to appease others’ insecurities and make them feel good about themselves in a completely oppressive-to-others kind of way?

What makes us human is our ability to think for ourselves & to make our own decisions. I don’t have anything nice to say about those small-minded enough to impose their wills on others. Conforming just for the sake of it & ridiculing/discouraging others who choose not to, is a kind of dictatorship – trying to control others because of your own mental limitations & fears/insecurities. It’s also really boring.

Today’s cliche… Feel The Fear And Do It, Anyway

I like this one.

My friends think am quite a brave/bolshy character. I’m thought of as strong-willed and strong-minded. What they don’t know is that, whilst I might be, I’m crapping myself half the time.

Fear is a wonderful and terrible thing. It’s totally okay to be fearful, to acknowledge it, but the best way to deal with it sometimes is just to press on in spite of it.

So, tonight am going to go to a poly/kink club event thing that I heard about from someone I went on a date with. Now, this whole world is a terrifying and unknown place for me. My life so far (especially with regards to sex & sexuality) has on the whole, tasted mainly of vanilla.

I can be fairly cautious with the unknown, but now that I know what I’m curious in, it’s probably time to jump in at the deep end, instead of just sitting on the fence (mixing my metaphors a little, but you know what I mean).

So, this evening, I will be putting one wobbly foot in front of the other, feeling the fear and doing it, anyway. (Or observing & learning, in any case).

Brave New Worlds

(also, what the hell do I wear?)

DEFINING THE LINES: A SWINGER’S DICTIONARY

Woah, there’s much more to this stuff than I’d anticipated! (Still all a little couple-centric, in my opinion!)

DEFINING THE LINES: A SWINGER’S DICTIONARY.

Also, am not that interested in swinging, really. What does that make me, a near-unicorn?

Me, me, me… and poly…

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as I posted here https://mascarastreaks.wordpress.com/tag/monogamy-2/ I’d like to take a new approach to any relationships I have in the future.

I have a few concerns, it’s a bit of a Brave New World for me (which is equally thrilling & nerve-wracking.

I’ve spoken to a couple of people I know who are in poly relationships. However, all of the people that I know that are in poly/open relationships are all couples who have agreed between them to have other relationships, whatever the agreement is.

Also, a lot of the stuff that I’ve found on the net (not that I’ve spent that much time doing it) and the people I’ve spoke to talk about it from a very couple-centric perspective. I don’t want that, I want it from a me, me, me perspective.

Whereas I am a single woman, and I know what I’d like, which is for ME to be at the apex/centre, retaining control/autonomy of my life and space, rather than being part of a poly/open-relationship couple with other lovers.

It’s all pretty hypothetical at the moment, but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it. Would it make me more or less vulnerable than if I was (i) being monogamous, or (ii) part of a poly couple. What do I need to watch out for?

I’d welcome any thoughts/advice/opinions from anyone with experience or who knows more about this. I know what I want, it’s in my head, but how does it all work in the real world?

 

The more I think about it, the less convincing monogamy is

Having been a serial monogamist for most of my adult life, am not sure it’s either a realistic or logical way to carry on for me.

It doesn’t make sense anymore. I know we’re conditioned to think of it as the natural & right way, but it feels unnatural and wrong to think that it’s honestly what I want, or realistic. Am not thinking about cheating here, but about honesty in the way that I feel about relationships.

I never once cheated or even came close to it when I was married – rather than starting to desire other people when the marriage was dying a slow and painful death, my desire(s) seemed to die along with it. He was very shocked when I spoke to him about how I felt – that I was totally cool if he wanted to sleep with other people or to see other people (& I was totally cool with it). I told him I had no desire to, but that seeing as things between us felt dead, I totally understood.

He didn’t understand. At all.

Now that I am free of all that, even though I’m single, and not really attached to anyone (well, in a single state of sort-of limbo with a distant person in a complicated situation, but don’t think that counts). I don’t see why being in an honest relationship with someone where we consent to relationships with other people, whether they be sexual, emotional or whatever is a bad thing. Honesty and consent being the keywords, with respect thrown in for good measure.

Monogamy works for some people, but the idea of a permanent commitment to someone being enough to fulfill all of the needs that we develop in life doesn’t seem so realistic.

This has been brewing in my mind for a few years now. A little like when I realised that I wasn’t really straight and not really what society thinks of as a woman. It takes my Self and my life awhile to catch up on my mind now, though. I think this is the direction I will be heading, when I stop being single.