Sex, Morality and Control.

Sometimes, I wonder whether we are living in enlightened times, or whether that’s one of the big self-delusions our species has created for ourselves. (Inclined to the latter, personally).

There seems to be so much moralising against women, especially & the old double standards are alive and well when it comes to sex.

Our sexualities are nobody’s business but our own. We aren’t here for the gratification & judgement of others, we’re here to live our lives – to seek pleasure & avoid pain – just the same as everyone else.

It seems to be that this judgementality that seems reserved more often for women than men (although also for trans people of any gender) is designed to control what is seen as troublesome behaviour. Anything that doesn’t conform with the rigid heteronormative, monogamous ideas that are wrapped up in supposed ‘decency’, ‘morality’ and the ‘proper’ ways to behave – all of these are arbitrary & imposed.

This, I feels, strips us of our humanity – the ability to think, choose and do what we like. For, as long as our behaviour doesn’t make anyone else suffer, why should it be wrong for us if it feels right for us?

Why should we be judged on who we choose to sleep with, or how many we sleep with, or have slept with, or what we do with our consenting humans? Isn’t this the essence of our humanity? Is it not inhumane to subject others to your ideas of what is ‘right’, when we all know that those ideas were just put there in your heads, probably just to appease others’ insecurities and make them feel good about themselves in a completely oppressive-to-others kind of way?

What makes us human is our ability to think for ourselves & to make our own decisions. I don’t have anything nice to say about those small-minded enough to impose their wills on others. Conforming just for the sake of it & ridiculing/discouraging others who choose not to, is a kind of dictatorship – trying to control others because of your own mental limitations & fears/insecurities. It’s also really boring.

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So, when is sex sex?

I was talking to my friend and we were talking about what we think of as the threshold for sex.

I disagreed entirely with her threshold – she only considers it sex when she has an orgasm.

I actually am not sure what I think. I used to think about it in very black & white terms (ie/ penetration) but I don’t think of it like that anymore. It’s such a boring and meaningless threshold and involves very arbitrary presumptuous heterosexual ideas – it just doesn’t feel right.

What does anyone else think?

Let’s talk about sex, baby, but please, no babytalk…

Following on from my first post about communicating during sex…  (aware that this may just be beginning to sound like a diatribe about my ex, but seeing as this is a place for sexual exploration & coming out of a long and miserable marriage, I suppose that is to be expected a little.)

So, like I said in my first post, I asked my ex to speak dirty to me – it didn’t work out & just got really awkward. I still remember why I asked him to, even though it was all of those years ago.  It was because until that point, and after that point, too, he’d use baby language in bed. The kind that you’d use when speaking to a small child. This is not hot at all (well, it doesn’t float my boat, in any case).

Language is so very important, although probably not the most important part of communication. It’s a bit off-putting when in the throes of passion to hear your paramour exclaim “I love your boobies” or “touch my willy”. Really! I’m an adult doing fun, adult things. Lovey-dovey talk is one thing, but babytalk in bed? No!

It still puzzles me to this day how it seemed that the only two ways he could talk sexually were either porny-degradey or mumsy-wumsy  styles. I think now that I’ve managed to unpack the reasons why, it’s not too surprising that I stopped talking during sex for so long.

Going through a dry spell at the moment, so any chances to test out my own sex-talking skills are somewhat limited at the moment. But, my imagination seems to be doing plenty of work all on it’s own, and am curious to see what comes out of my mouth then next time I do get lucky.