The one I haven’t written about.

There’s one person I haven’t written about.

One of the reasons I started this was because I thought the anonymity afforded to me would grant me freedom to write my thoughts unfettered by fear of judgement, or negativity.

There’s one person I haven’t written about & I have now realised why. It’s not because I’m afraid of any of you, dear readers, but it was more I was afraid of myself, or, avoiding remembering having my fingers burnt (I’m a bit of a sensitive soul, underneath my tough exterior, sometimes).

I’ll call him Organist #1. Back when I was still in existential limbo, he was the first person I got feelings for after leaving the Ex – a long time after leaving the ex, too. A year & a bit. We’d been chatting for a long time, when I finally succumbed & thought I’d dip my toes into the world of online dating. We talked for quite a few weeks & I had a gut instinct with him – perhaps less of a gut instinct, more of a fluttering of the heartstrings, which I hadn’t felt for *years* (or since, to be honest).

So, it was a bit crap that this thing that didn’t even happen could still cause so much heartbreak. We met, we went on a beautiful date, dinner, then we snuck into a local church that he had the keys to & climbed onto the roof to carry on drinking & smoking & admiring the view. A thunderstorm started & we had a beautiful first kiss in the rain & thunder & lightening. We went back to mine & he spent the night (although we didn’t have sex, we played) & then came back the next night too & we had a couple more times where we met up for drinks, kisses & so on. We were in constant touch & it was all very intense.

Then, he started to flake out on me. His situation, is, let’s say, complicated. I’d never step on anyone else’s toes, so it’s not the kind of complicated that you might be thinking, but the kind of complicated that is very stressful. He did the semi-disappearing thing & IT REALLY HURT. Because, it was the first time (& last) that I’ve felt intimate with someone. It wasn’t a disappearing off the face of the planet, but sending me messages saying he wasn’t ok & didn’t want to hurt me etc. That hurt.

Yesterday, after a few months he paid a visit to my profile & didn’t send a message, but he had changed his profile to read:

“My life is moderately complicated – no more than yours, but sometimes it feels it. I’ve had a few months off from this because I realised I wasn’t ready for any kind of human interaction and would end up hurting people. Am in a much better place now. I’m telling you this in the hope that you’ll trust that I know, and think it matters, when my presence in someone’s life might not be a good thing. It would take the edge of my otherwise glittering brilliance.”

I think that’s meant for me, it feels like it. Don’t know what to think. The heartstrings are pulling & I’m a little scared. It’s only because I *really* liked him, and I think he *really* liked me. But I don’t want to get hurt again. Was he a cad? Am I an idiot? I hate this feeling. Don’t want to get my fingers burnt again, but feeling compelled as I liked him so much.

Stupid heart. Wish I knew what to do. There’s still so much of the unresolved about this.

Am mooching like an angsty teenager now – melodramatic, unrequited love. Listening to this:

 

I’m seeing The Boy tonight, hope it’s enough of a distraction!

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Not seeing the woods for the trees

Today’s cliche of the day is ‘you can’t see the wood for the trees’. Which is one I agree with and see the wisdom in.

It’s good occasionally to take a step back and take stock of your life. Especially if there’s a lot going on. I’ve had a lot going on. The divorce, which I thought was going well, suddenly isn’t, and it seems that communication has broken down. I think the next few months will be very messy as we fight over the house, money and so on.

It kind of took me by surprise as I thought we’d agree to try & make it amicable, but I guess that money brings out the worst in some people. Am happy to say it’s quite nice up here on my moral high-ground when it comes to that. I decided long ago, that self-respect was paramount, it’s nice to be able to maintain that & it’s kind of showing him to be more of an arsehole than I’d realised.

All of the coming and going has got me down though, I’ve been feeling blue and under a lot of pressure. It made my perspective quite skewed and I’d lost my appetite for life, a little. But, it’s the little things in life which make you happy. Dealing with The Ex for the first time in so long, really dragged me down. I think it brought back some of the misery that I felt when I was still with him & trying to make it work. This morning I woke, feeling pure relief that I’ll have a clean break soon. Life’s not too bad, I was feeling sorry for myself when I woke up, I pulled the muscles in my backside & it hurts when I walk, sit or move – getting out of bed made me miserable. It was in the shower that I figured out that I must have pulled it during all the sex I had with The Boy yesterday. Then I smiled. Felt satisfied. Saw the woods again, in spite of the trees.

The more I think about it, the less convincing monogamy is

Having been a serial monogamist for most of my adult life, am not sure it’s either a realistic or logical way to carry on for me.

It doesn’t make sense anymore. I know we’re conditioned to think of it as the natural & right way, but it feels unnatural and wrong to think that it’s honestly what I want, or realistic. Am not thinking about cheating here, but about honesty in the way that I feel about relationships.

I never once cheated or even came close to it when I was married – rather than starting to desire other people when the marriage was dying a slow and painful death, my desire(s) seemed to die along with it. He was very shocked when I spoke to him about how I felt – that I was totally cool if he wanted to sleep with other people or to see other people (& I was totally cool with it). I told him I had no desire to, but that seeing as things between us felt dead, I totally understood.

He didn’t understand. At all.

Now that I am free of all that, even though I’m single, and not really attached to anyone (well, in a single state of sort-of limbo with a distant person in a complicated situation, but don’t think that counts). I don’t see why being in an honest relationship with someone where we consent to relationships with other people, whether they be sexual, emotional or whatever is a bad thing. Honesty and consent being the keywords, with respect thrown in for good measure.

Monogamy works for some people, but the idea of a permanent commitment to someone being enough to fulfill all of the needs that we develop in life doesn’t seem so realistic.

This has been brewing in my mind for a few years now. A little like when I realised that I wasn’t really straight and not really what society thinks of as a woman. It takes my Self and my life awhile to catch up on my mind now, though. I think this is the direction I will be heading, when I stop being single.