Last night I went to meet an old family friend at the local station. Arrived back home to find burglars smashing into the back of my house. It sounded like a bomb made of glass went off, an explosive smashing (they were strengthened glass, so they had put quite a bit of effort into it).

Had the police, the forensics people and a friend over, but can’t shake this feeling of violation & anxiety. Even though they didn’t get anything. Can’t stop thinking ‘what if’. A minute later & we’d have been trapped inside with the burglars. What about if I’d have been alone & it happened? My home is my sanctuary & it’s been violated. Where do I feel safe now? Is living on my own such a good idea?

The Boy came & stayed with me. Told me that I don’t have to act all tough all the time. Kept him awake with ‘what was that?’, ‘did you hear that?’, ‘where’s the hammer?’ as well as tossing & turning. He said he should come back tonight, I think so too. The Boy really is very lovely. I’m terrible at asking for help, but he’s really been quite wonderful.

I don’t want bars on all of my windows (they got through double glazed, locked, reinforced windows). I don’t want to capitulate to whoever did this & live in what will feel like a prison. My home doesn’t feel like my home right now, I don’t know what it feels like. Am so sad inside

I’m happy, but…

I seem to be slipping into an existential malaise…

I’m happy with my life, but also a little, not lost, but directionless, as in I have only a few months of certainty with knowing what I’m doing with my life (my degree finishes in summer). I’m aware of the privilege of my position. I’m financially ok until the end of my degree, I’ve got enough money to survive until then & will probably have enough money to go travelling around the world for a year, for example. Or to travel to a new country & do another degree (my feet are a little itchy). 

I also know that I should (being mid-30s & all that) re-start my career. It wasn’t just the husband I decided was making me unhappy, it was my career (I worked in something financial, I didn’t want to be part of a culture that was so focused on money & competition, I wanted something more fulfilling & less a part of something that I could see was ruining the world for the majority of people (I can be quite, annoyingly virtuos, sometimes). 

I don’t know what I want to do, though. Hence, the existential malaise. I’m happy, but there’s fear there, too. Caught in a bit of a rut.

Today’s cliche… Feel The Fear And Do It, Anyway

I like this one.

My friends think am quite a brave/bolshy character. I’m thought of as strong-willed and strong-minded. What they don’t know is that, whilst I might be, I’m crapping myself half the time.

Fear is a wonderful and terrible thing. It’s totally okay to be fearful, to acknowledge it, but the best way to deal with it sometimes is just to press on in spite of it.

So, tonight am going to go to a poly/kink club event thing that I heard about from someone I went on a date with. Now, this whole world is a terrifying and unknown place for me. My life so far (especially with regards to sex & sexuality) has on the whole, tasted mainly of vanilla.

I can be fairly cautious with the unknown, but now that I know what I’m curious in, it’s probably time to jump in at the deep end, instead of just sitting on the fence (mixing my metaphors a little, but you know what I mean).

So, this evening, I will be putting one wobbly foot in front of the other, feeling the fear and doing it, anyway. (Or observing & learning, in any case).

Brave New Worlds

(also, what the hell do I wear?)