Sex, Morality and Control.

Sometimes, I wonder whether we are living in enlightened times, or whether that’s one of the big self-delusions our species has created for ourselves. (Inclined to the latter, personally).

There seems to be so much moralising against women, especially & the old double standards are alive and well when it comes to sex.

Our sexualities are nobody’s business but our own. We aren’t here for the gratification & judgement of others, we’re here to live our lives – to seek pleasure & avoid pain – just the same as everyone else.

It seems to be that this judgementality that seems reserved more often for women than men (although also for trans people of any gender) is designed to control what is seen as troublesome behaviour. Anything that doesn’t conform with the rigid heteronormative, monogamous ideas that are wrapped up in supposed ‘decency’, ‘morality’ and the ‘proper’ ways to behave – all of these are arbitrary & imposed.

This, I feels, strips us of our humanity – the ability to think, choose and do what we like. For, as long as our behaviour doesn’t make anyone else suffer, why should it be wrong for us if it feels right for us?

Why should we be judged on who we choose to sleep with, or how many we sleep with, or have slept with, or what we do with our consenting humans? Isn’t this the essence of our humanity? Is it not inhumane to subject others to your ideas of what is ‘right’, when we all know that those ideas were just put there in your heads, probably just to appease others’ insecurities and make them feel good about themselves in a completely oppressive-to-others kind of way?

What makes us human is our ability to think for ourselves & to make our own decisions. I don’t have anything nice to say about those small-minded enough to impose their wills on others. Conforming just for the sake of it & ridiculing/discouraging others who choose not to, is a kind of dictatorship – trying to control others because of your own mental limitations & fears/insecurities. It’s also really boring.

Little Voice Was Right

Ah, the alarm bells were ringing & quelle surprise, not seeing Organist #2 tonight. He had some pretty compelling reasons, but at the end of the day, they’re just excuses & am irritated to say the least. 

Irritated mostly by myself, for letting myself be disappointed by Mr Flaky. It’s disappointing that some people are reliable only in one thing – their unreliability. That’s their problem, it’s up to me to not allow people like that to impact on me. If I wanted that kind of crap in my life, I’d still be married!

The Waiting Game

Now, this is why I think I was right to feel wrong about seeing Organist #1 again. We have been messaging again & I’ve found myself staring at my phone every few minutes. I don’t like this, it makes me feel a loss of power & there’s something of the irrational in it. I am not like this with anyone else that I like. It’s making me a little grumpy.

Under My Skin

So, it’s taken less than a day & a couple of brief messages & Organist #1 is under my skin again.

I dislike this very much, as my mind is wandering & it makes me feel vulnerable as am potentially opening myself up to hurt again & I don’t want to feel like am not in total control of what might happen.

Am also a little annoyed with myself for doing this to myself. I think it’s because I care & I don’t want to, meh. He’s surprised that I’m still talking to him & so am I, a little. Will he take this to mean I’m a pushover/doormat? I’ll kick his backside to high heaven if he does.

I can’t deny I felt very connected to him, and intimate, and excited and the idea of requiting was is unrequited is so (destructively?) appealing. And he’s the tortured artist type – am such a sucker for the tortured, starving artist.

The one I haven’t written about.

There’s one person I haven’t written about.

One of the reasons I started this was because I thought the anonymity afforded to me would grant me freedom to write my thoughts unfettered by fear of judgement, or negativity.

There’s one person I haven’t written about & I have now realised why. It’s not because I’m afraid of any of you, dear readers, but it was more I was afraid of myself, or, avoiding remembering having my fingers burnt (I’m a bit of a sensitive soul, underneath my tough exterior, sometimes).

I’ll call him Organist #1. Back when I was still in existential limbo, he was the first person I got feelings for after leaving the Ex – a long time after leaving the ex, too. A year & a bit. We’d been chatting for a long time, when I finally succumbed & thought I’d dip my toes into the world of online dating. We talked for quite a few weeks & I had a gut instinct with him – perhaps less of a gut instinct, more of a fluttering of the heartstrings, which I hadn’t felt for *years* (or since, to be honest).

So, it was a bit crap that this thing that didn’t even happen could still cause so much heartbreak. We met, we went on a beautiful date, dinner, then we snuck into a local church that he had the keys to & climbed onto the roof to carry on drinking & smoking & admiring the view. A thunderstorm started & we had a beautiful first kiss in the rain & thunder & lightening. We went back to mine & he spent the night (although we didn’t have sex, we played) & then came back the next night too & we had a couple more times where we met up for drinks, kisses & so on. We were in constant touch & it was all very intense.

Then, he started to flake out on me. His situation, is, let’s say, complicated. I’d never step on anyone else’s toes, so it’s not the kind of complicated that you might be thinking, but the kind of complicated that is very stressful. He did the semi-disappearing thing & IT REALLY HURT. Because, it was the first time (& last) that I’ve felt intimate with someone. It wasn’t a disappearing off the face of the planet, but sending me messages saying he wasn’t ok & didn’t want to hurt me etc. That hurt.

Yesterday, after a few months he paid a visit to my profile & didn’t send a message, but he had changed his profile to read:

“My life is moderately complicated – no more than yours, but sometimes it feels it. I’ve had a few months off from this because I realised I wasn’t ready for any kind of human interaction and would end up hurting people. Am in a much better place now. I’m telling you this in the hope that you’ll trust that I know, and think it matters, when my presence in someone’s life might not be a good thing. It would take the edge of my otherwise glittering brilliance.”

I think that’s meant for me, it feels like it. Don’t know what to think. The heartstrings are pulling & I’m a little scared. It’s only because I *really* liked him, and I think he *really* liked me. But I don’t want to get hurt again. Was he a cad? Am I an idiot? I hate this feeling. Don’t want to get my fingers burnt again, but feeling compelled as I liked him so much.

Stupid heart. Wish I knew what to do. There’s still so much of the unresolved about this.

Am mooching like an angsty teenager now – melodramatic, unrequited love. Listening to this:

 

I’m seeing The Boy tonight, hope it’s enough of a distraction!

A double-date of sorts..

So, a couple of (rather cute) guys on a dating site have asked me out for a drink. 

Now, they have a joint account, which is novel, to say the least. There’s lots of pics, together, they’re in some kind of a straight (am guessing) bromance & they want to go for drinks & dates together & who knows?

This is a curious thing & am intrigued. Part of me says, yes. Parts says not sure. There’s a teeny voice in my head saying ‘What about Rohypnol?”

Hmmm…..

OKStupid

Here I have a douchebag who thinks he’s smart, mansplaining mansplanation to me & making himself look quite stupid in the meantime.

(After I put a line in my profile telling people not to bother writing if they were going to correct a joke I’d made in Latin which was obviously a little too clever for them to see it was a joke)

It was too funny & stupid not to share. Only an idiot would think the best solution to someone complaining about mansplainers is more mansplanation. Thanks for proving my point,  douchebag!

Bad synchronicity

I joined a new dating website. The third match it found for me was my soon-to-be ex-husband. You’ve got to laugh. I’ve deleted my profile, now. 

Blah blah blah bullshit. On ‘rules’

What a crock of shit. Be yourself, don’t be phony, don’t play games. Have fun, do what you want to do. Fuck ‘rules and especially ‘rules for women’, be yourself & have fun, that’s what it’s supposed to be about.

Reading this article makes me feel like I’m in some bullshit 50s timewarp. Fuck’s sake, now, there’s no excuse for this backwards thinking.

The Boy is quiet

I’ve been getting quite fond of The Boy. We see each other about once a week now. Mostly we go do something fun & social, get very drunk, then back to mine for sex & mooching.

It’s fun discovering each others’ bodies and sex is good too, but he’s so quiet. I’m not so very vocal or noisy, but I feel like I am being, because he’s so quiet next to me. He’s definitely having a good time, but I’m finding myself wishing he’d say more. It’s strange as he’s quite a talkative and articulate Boy & we are both very good at sex with each other.

It feels very decadent, having him as my lover. I think that’s what he feels too. So, my master-plan seems to be getting off to a good start. Seems like not very long ago, I was wondering what would become of my love-life & it’s pleasing to know that the little voice in my head was right. There are other, better ways of doing things, and experiments in living, are the way to find out.