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The one I haven’t written about.

There’s one person I haven’t written about.

One of the reasons I started this was because I thought the anonymity afforded to me would grant me freedom to write my thoughts unfettered by fear of judgement, or negativity.

There’s one person I haven’t written about & I have now realised why. It’s not because I’m afraid of any of you, dear readers, but it was more I was afraid of myself, or, avoiding remembering having my fingers burnt (I’m a bit of a sensitive soul, underneath my tough exterior, sometimes).

I’ll call him Organist #1. Back when I was still in existential limbo, he was the first person I got feelings for after leaving the Ex – a long time after leaving the ex, too. A year & a bit. We’d been chatting for a long time, when I finally succumbed & thought I’d dip my toes into the world of online dating. We talked for quite a few weeks & I had a gut instinct with him – perhaps less of a gut instinct, more of a fluttering of the heartstrings, which I hadn’t felt for *years* (or since, to be honest).

So, it was a bit crap that this thing that didn’t even happen could still cause so much heartbreak. We met, we went on a beautiful date, dinner, then we snuck into a local church that he had the keys to & climbed onto the roof to carry on drinking & smoking & admiring the view. A thunderstorm started & we had a beautiful first kiss in the rain & thunder & lightening. We went back to mine & he spent the night (although we didn’t have sex, we played) & then came back the next night too & we had a couple more times where we met up for drinks, kisses & so on. We were in constant touch & it was all very intense.

Then, he started to flake out on me. His situation, is, let’s say, complicated. I’d never step on anyone else’s toes, so it’s not the kind of complicated that you might be thinking, but the kind of complicated that is very stressful. He did the semi-disappearing thing & IT REALLY HURT. Because, it was the first time (& last) that I’ve felt intimate with someone. It wasn’t a disappearing off the face of the planet, but sending me messages saying he wasn’t ok & didn’t want to hurt me etc. That hurt.

Yesterday, after a few months he paid a visit to my profile & didn’t send a message, but he had changed his profile to read:

“My life is moderately complicated – no more than yours, but sometimes it feels it. I’ve had a few months off from this because I realised I wasn’t ready for any kind of human interaction and would end up hurting people. Am in a much better place now. I’m telling you this in the hope that you’ll trust that I know, and think it matters, when my presence in someone’s life might not be a good thing. It would take the edge of my otherwise glittering brilliance.”

I think that’s meant for me, it feels like it. Don’t know what to think. The heartstrings are pulling & I’m a little scared. It’s only because I *really* liked him, and I think he *really* liked me. But I don’t want to get hurt again. Was he a cad? Am I an idiot? I hate this feeling. Don’t want to get my fingers burnt again, but feeling compelled as I liked him so much.

Stupid heart. Wish I knew what to do. There’s still so much of the unresolved about this.

Am mooching like an angsty teenager now – melodramatic, unrequited love. Listening to this:

 

I’m seeing The Boy tonight, hope it’s enough of a distraction!

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17 responses to “The one I haven’t written about.

  1. davidtalks13 ⋅

    I’m sorry that you have felt this way. It sounds really hard especially when you give part of yourself away. I feel like shit so often because I have never even got to experience that. And the more I read the more it hurts. Urgh. Why is life so hard?

    • missguide

      It’s hard to feel like this, but I suppose you’ve got to take the bad times with the good times & am remaining philosophical about it.
      Life is hard, but I sometimes feel that the hardships are what make us strong & make us know what things are important to us. I’d pick my sanity over my heart anytime!

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Well I am sure that you are a great catch. Some guys flake out too easily but you want a man, not a boy, at the end of the day.

      • missguide

        Not even sure I know what I want. And it’s not necessarily a boy/man that I want, I prefer to look beyond the gender & see the person underneath (well, that’s the theory, anyway!)

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Oh you are bisexual ? Well at least that opens up your options for you. I definitely know what side I’m buttered mind you and the idea of gay sex isn’t something that appeals to me in the slightest.

        (Did you hear all gay men wail with sadness?). I didn’t either.

      • missguide

        Not necessarily even bisexual (probably more of a pomosexual).

        I think much of gender is constructed & have am quite attracted to those who don’t quite fit the binaries, or who like to challenge the usual social conventions & norms.

        But this is more in my head than in my life, I mostly end up with dudes!

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Lol sounds like you just like breaking convention. I would like to think whoever I was with though only had eyes for me ! ( okay that didn’t make much sense).

        I’ve never heard the phrase pomosexual before.

      • missguide

        It’s more of a non-orientation than an orientation. I understand how pretentious it might sound, but it resonated with how I feel about these things.

        “Pomosexuality refers to a nonorientation in which people disregard sexual labels altogether. In the world of pomosexuality, the superficial orientation identifications (a.k.a. gay, straight, etc.) are insignificant and not what people should accord to.

        Stems from postmodern sexuality.
        “Gay/Straight Alliances were the first step toward unification, but they weren’t enough. What if neither gays nor straights existed, and were all simply called people? With pomosexuality, there is less reason for division in the world.””

        It’s all horses for courses, mate! ๐Ÿ™‚

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Haha are you English?

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Can tell !

      • missguide

        I picked up lots of Englishisms.
        Although I always thought it should be courses for horses, not the other way around

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Lol where are you from then ??

      • missguide

        That’s all you’re getting!

      • missguide

        Citizen of the World

      • davidtalks13 ⋅

        Lol fair enough! It was worth asking.

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