Me, me, me… and poly…

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and as I posted here https://mascarastreaks.wordpress.com/tag/monogamy-2/ I’d like to take a new approach to any relationships I have in the future.

I have a few concerns, it’s a bit of a Brave New World for me (which is equally thrilling & nerve-wracking.

I’ve spoken to a couple of people I know who are in poly relationships. However, all of the people that I know that are in poly/open relationships are all couples who have agreed between them to have other relationships, whatever the agreement is.

Also, a lot of the stuff that I’ve found on the net (not that I’ve spent that much time doing it) and the people I’ve spoke to talk about it from a very couple-centric perspective. I don’t want that, I want it from a me, me, me perspective.

Whereas I am a single woman, and I know what I’d like, which is for ME to be at the apex/centre, retaining control/autonomy of my life and space, rather than being part of a poly/open-relationship couple with other lovers.

It’s all pretty hypothetical at the moment, but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it. Would it make me more or less vulnerable than if I was (i) being monogamous, or (ii) part of a poly couple. What do I need to watch out for?

I’d welcome any thoughts/advice/opinions from anyone with experience or who knows more about this. I know what I want, it’s in my head, but how does it all work in the real world?

 

The more I think about it, the less convincing monogamy is

Having been a serial monogamist for most of my adult life, am not sure it’s either a realistic or logical way to carry on for me.

It doesn’t make sense anymore. I know we’re conditioned to think of it as the natural & right way, but it feels unnatural and wrong to think that it’s honestly what I want, or realistic. Am not thinking about cheating here, but about honesty in the way that I feel about relationships.

I never once cheated or even came close to it when I was married – rather than starting to desire other people when the marriage was dying a slow and painful death, my desire(s) seemed to die along with it. He was very shocked when I spoke to him about how I felt – that I was totally cool if he wanted to sleep with other people or to see other people (& I was totally cool with it). I told him I had no desire to, but that seeing as things between us felt dead, I totally understood.

He didn’t understand. At all.

Now that I am free of all that, even though I’m single, and not really attached to anyone (well, in a single state of sort-of limbo with a distant person in a complicated situation, but don’t think that counts). I don’t see why being in an honest relationship with someone where we consent to relationships with other people, whether they be sexual, emotional or whatever is a bad thing. Honesty and consent being the keywords, with respect thrown in for good measure.

Monogamy works for some people, but the idea of a permanent commitment to someone being enough to fulfill all of the needs that we develop in life doesn’t seem so realistic.

This has been brewing in my mind for a few years now. A little like when I realised that I wasn’t really straight and not really what society thinks of as a woman. It takes my Self and my life awhile to catch up on my mind now, though. I think this is the direction I will be heading, when I stop being single.