There’s one person I haven’t written about.
One of the reasons I started this was because I thought the anonymity afforded to me would grant me freedom to write my thoughts unfettered by fear of judgement, or negativity.
There’s one person I haven’t written about & I have now realised why. It’s not because I’m afraid of any of you, dear readers, but it was more I was afraid of myself, or, avoiding remembering having my fingers burnt (I’m a bit of a sensitive soul, underneath my tough exterior, sometimes).
I’ll call him Organist #1. Back when I was still in existential limbo, he was the first person I got feelings for after leaving the Ex – a long time after leaving the ex, too. A year & a bit. We’d been chatting for a long time, when I finally succumbed & thought I’d dip my toes into the world of online dating. We talked for quite a few weeks & I had a gut instinct with him – perhaps less of a gut instinct, more of a fluttering of the heartstrings, which I hadn’t felt for *years* (or since, to be honest).
So, it was a bit crap that this thing that didn’t even happen could still cause so much heartbreak. We met, we went on a beautiful date, dinner, then we snuck into a local church that he had the keys to & climbed onto the roof to carry on drinking & smoking & admiring the view. A thunderstorm started & we had a beautiful first kiss in the rain & thunder & lightening. We went back to mine & he spent the night (although we didn’t have sex, we played) & then came back the next night too & we had a couple more times where we met up for drinks, kisses & so on. We were in constant touch & it was all very intense.
Then, he started to flake out on me. His situation, is, let’s say, complicated. I’d never step on anyone else’s toes, so it’s not the kind of complicated that you might be thinking, but the kind of complicated that is very stressful. He did the semi-disappearing thing & IT REALLY HURT. Because, it was the first time (& last) that I’ve felt intimate with someone. It wasn’t a disappearing off the face of the planet, but sending me messages saying he wasn’t ok & didn’t want to hurt me etc. That hurt.
Yesterday, after a few months he paid a visit to my profile & didn’t send a message, but he had changed his profile to read:
“My life is moderately complicated – no more than yours, but sometimes it feels it. I’ve had a few months off from this because I realised I wasn’t ready for any kind of human interaction and would end up hurting people. Am in a much better place now. I’m telling you this in the hope that you’ll trust that I know, and think it matters, when my presence in someone’s life might not be a good thing. It would take the edge of my otherwise glittering brilliance.”
I think that’s meant for me, it feels like it. Don’t know what to think. The heartstrings are pulling & I’m a little scared. It’s only because I *really* liked him, and I think he *really* liked me. But I don’t want to get hurt again. Was he a cad? Am I an idiot? I hate this feeling. Don’t want to get my fingers burnt again, but feeling compelled as I liked him so much.
Stupid heart. Wish I knew what to do. There’s still so much of the unresolved about this.
Am mooching like an angsty teenager now – melodramatic, unrequited love. Listening to this:
I’m seeing The Boy tonight, hope it’s enough of a distraction!