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I’m happy, but…

I seem to be slipping into an existential malaise…

I’m happy with my life, but also a little, not lost, but directionless, as in I have only a few months of certainty with knowing what I’m doing with my life (my degree finishes in summer). I’m aware of the privilege of my position. I’m financially ok until the end of my degree, I’ve got enough money to survive until then & will probably have enough money to go travelling around the world for a year, for example. Or to travel to a new country & do another degree (my feet are a little itchy). 

I also know that I should (being mid-30s & all that) re-start my career. It wasn’t just the husband I decided was making me unhappy, it was my career (I worked in something financial, I didn’t want to be part of a culture that was so focused on money & competition, I wanted something more fulfilling & less a part of something that I could see was ruining the world for the majority of people (I can be quite, annoyingly virtuos, sometimes). 

I don’t know what I want to do, though. Hence, the existential malaise. I’m happy, but there’s fear there, too. Caught in a bit of a rut.


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